walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize