so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
