Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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