in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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