Apparently you make a good broom.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize