woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
