Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize