I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
ttyl tear gas
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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