the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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