my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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