i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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