Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
