You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
