I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she peed on how many people?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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