I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
