we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I touched a dick in church today
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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