Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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