I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
