Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
