My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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