she looked like the bat from fern gully.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
