so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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