The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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