I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
