Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize
