One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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