I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Help. Why am I so naked?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
