I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
