im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
