Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
