Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
