Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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