remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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