no, he came in my armpit
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
