good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
