it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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