I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
