my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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