She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
