well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
