When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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