I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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