I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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