How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize