i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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