a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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