tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
