i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
