stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
