He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
