put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
