Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
