I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We are two peas in an std pod
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
