I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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