No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
