I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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