Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
