Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
