Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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